It's Really Not About You

It's really not about you by SIMPLE STEPS

Is your daughter dating the guy you told her to stay away from just to spite you?  Did someone you've been working with make a decision that didn't include you and you think that they did so to cut you out?  Have your relatives not called you lately and you think that it's because they are mad at you?  Do you think that others are doing or not doing something to you? 

Do you make all your decisions based on another... or do you do what makes sense to you? Usually we do the latter.  Now ask youself this question... What makes you think that others are any different?  It is not all about you...  In fact it probably has nothing to do with you at all.

We allow our minds to think the worst of other's motives.   It's as if someone is doing something to hurt you when in reality they are doing what they think is best for them.  Hurting you doesn't even cross their mind... it's about them. Sure there are exceptions... but they are less frequent than you imagine.

If rather than thinking that it's about you... you acknowledged that you don't know what is going on in their lives... you wouldn't allow yourself to feel hurt over their choices.  How many times have you encountered someone who was hurt by you in some way when what they are alleging caused them hurt never even entered your mind?  We don't walk in each other's shoes. 

If you find yourself asking, "Why are they doing this to me?"  Try these Simple Steps to shift your perspective:

• If it is someone close to you then try Kenny Brixey's method for clarification.  He restates what he thinks they have said with, "I think you mean____________________."  That creates an opportunity for the other person to clarify what they are doing so that you both are on the same page.  It doesn't mean that you have to like or approve of their choice.  This helps you understand their thought process.

• If there is distance between you pick up the phone and call them, skype or go visit.  Obtaining clarification person to person rather than e-mail, text or chat is always a much better way to understand.  We tend to fill in the blanks of written communication... and not with accurate information.

• If you don't know this person well or it is a less personal relationship take a few moments to step back from your initial reaction.  Consider all of the other possibilities why someone would do what they have chosen to do.  You can write out a list or do it in your head.  Don't stop until you have considered every other possibility.  While you may not know what the real motivation is you have shown yourself that there are other options... and your initial thoughts may be far from the truth.  

When we stop thinking that everything that everyone else does involves us... we let go of stress, pain and tension that never existed in the first place.  And that frees us up to actually enjoy life!

It's Never Too Late to Alter Expectations

Alter expectations by SIMPLE STEPS

Are you feeling like the grinch stole Christmas?  Do you just wish that for once there could be peace... isn't that what this holiday is about?  

This is the time of the year that is mean to be joyous... yet we can find ourselves caught up in the drama that comes from those dreaded expectations. Perhaps your children are expecting "more" this year yet your income is less.  Or maybe your family wants the holiday to be celebrated on their terms... and your spouse's family has their own traditions that they expect you to honor. Your expectations of family and friends may also be leaving you feeling disappointed.

Expectations are subject to interpretation.  Life doesn't come with a well written legal contact that spells out what needs to be done and the consequences if it isn't. We were all raised differently and what is important to one person can meaningless to another... or at least not as important.

When you're dealing with expectations, yours or someone else's, the only way to eliminate the drama is with open and honest communications. Perhaps you feel that it's too late to do anything about this holiday season... but it is never too late to make a new decision about how you want your life to proceed. 

If you are ready to open up a dialogue and reset expectations try these Simple Steps:

• Get clear about what you want.  Family & friends are not mind readers and they sure will be confused if you don't know what you want from them. 

• Get clear about what others want.  That requires that you have a conversation with them. Kenny Brixey has this tool that will work great in this situation.  As you are having the discussion with your kids, spouse, in-laws... or anyone that really matters to you... listen to what they want and then ask, "I think that you mean _______."  For example if the discussion is about spending time together at Christmas and your in-laws have told you the holiday will be celebrated in their home.  Say, 'I think that you mean that you are expecting us to be at your home in time for breakfast and through dinner that night. Is that what you mean?  By asking this clarifying question you'll have a better understanding of their expectations. And you may just be surprised that all that they wanted was for you to join them for dinner!

• Communicate, kindly.  Perhaps your parents have the same expectation that your in-laws do and you're being pulled in both directions.  Explain to them that your family has plans also and that you want to be able to enjoy both families.  You can ask for their suggestion on how to split your time or make your own suggestion.  For example, "My mom loves to make a big Christmas breakfast.  It's a tradition in our family.  We are going to her house early Christmas day and will be at your home by 1pm. Will that work for you?" 

There may always be someone that isn't happy that you aren't doing exactly what they want you to.  You cannot make them happy.  If you have clarified their expectations and proposed a reasonable alternative then you have done the best that you can.   The holidays are meant to be joyful. Keep yourself in that spirit! 

Taking the lead on defining expectations and then adjusting then goes a long way in creating a more peaceful experience.   And if you start now... think of how much better next year will be!