Add Self-Forgiveness to the New Year's Mix

Add Foregiveness by SIMPLE STEPS

Are you just ready for 2011 to be over?  Do you want to put the past behind you and think that January 1st is the best time to start?

The end of the year is always a time of reflection.  It's natural.  Out with the old, in with the new.  What if though this year we added something new to the mix...  forgiveness... of ourselves.  Sure you can forgive others too.  However this blog is about forgiving yourself. 

Whether it's 2011 that you want to be over or a really bad part of your life... the end of the year is the perfect time to wish it good riddens.  Kenny taught me to write down all the bad stuff that happened and then burn it.  It's symbolic... but as any good change management counselor will tell you... there is power the act. 

I've been dragging around my fair share of baggage these last few years.  With it came a boatload of self blame. What about you?  What happened in your past that you have been unable to forgive yourself for?  For me it's a litany of financial mistakes and bad business decisions.  They are all behind me now and sure they show their ugliness every once in awhile but nothing compared to what is in my past.  What is in your past that you are still dragging around with you? 

I keep hearing the Tim McGraw song, "Let It Go."If you haven't heard it click on the link to see a video that depicts the song.   It's about leaving behind our baggage. The only way that we can do that is to forgive ourselves. 

If you are ready to dump your bags and travel lighter try these Simple Steps:

• Get clear about what you feel you need to forgive yourself for.  Perhaps you think that there is too much.  There isn't.  Write out every perceived issue that you blame yourself for in a column marked "Issues." 
• Create an "Lesson" column and beside every issue write down what you have learned from it. 
• Next add a "Now" column and write down what you do or will do differently. 

Here's an example from my list:

Issue	Lesson	Now
Invested savings on the advise of a guru.	Anything having to do with my financial security is my responsibility. I can't delegate my security to anyone.	I research and complete my due diligence before making any purchase over $500.

• When you've completed your entire list take a pair of scissors and cut out the column that says 'issues."  Burn it, shred it, or otherwise safely destroy it.  As you do say to yourself, "This part of my past is over and I'm done with it. I am letting it go."
• Now look at what remains of your list.  What is there tells you how much wiser you are now.  And now is all that matters.

It's time to Let IT Go... and with it any feelings that you have of self-blame. You've learned. This is your time to shine and you can! 

Forgive Yourself

We often talk about how much better we are at forgiving another yet we cannot forgive ourselves.  We regret decisions that seemed to put our family through the ringer, screwed up a relationship that in hindsight was a blessing to us, and we have each made our share of mistakes.

For a long time I'd beat myself up for investing in real estate, relying on "gurus" who were suppose to teach us how to make money in the market, and for turning over responsibility to manage our investments to a relative and later a management company. 

This list could go on and on. I cannot go back and change my past... but I can learn from it and I have. The consequences of my actions are my responsibility.  It was however by experiencing these darkest hours that I learned a valuable lesson that was not part of my formal education.  And in the end the lessons make me the person that I am today... and that is progress!

"I am not proud of all the things I have done in my past; but I am not ashamed of them either. Every choice I have made in my life (whether good or not so good), has brought me to this very place." - Michael Merritt

If you are struggling and can't seem to forgive yourself try one of these Simple Steps to move forward in your life:

• Clear the Air.  If what you have done has hurt or alienated someone, apologize. Whether you write a letter, e-mail, call or meet them face to face... be the bigger person.  Make the effort to acknowledge that your actions hurt them and that it was not your intent to do so.  Do not however make excuses or try to justify your actions.  Keep it simple.  Once you apologize it is up to them to accept it or not.  You however have taken the first step and you can move forward.  A couple of notes about this Simple Step... If the other person chooses not to forgive you then that is their choice.  You cannot demand or force them to forgive you.  You can only apologize.  Realize that depending on what the situation was they could choose to move forward without you in their life.  While you may not like that each person has to do what is best for them. 

• Take Personal Responsibility for Your Actions. Regardless of whether another person is involved or not, recognize and accept, your culpability.  When you admit to yourself, and perhaps others, your role then you control your next steps. If you choose to blame others then you believe that have you have no control of your life... that you are a victim.  Are you? Probably not... or you wouldn't be looking to forgive yourself. 

• Step Back. We are often so deep into our regrets and the emotions of the situation that we lose our objectivity.  If it was your best friend that had done what you regret what would you say to her?  Is she over reacting, making a mountain out of a molehill,  can't let it go?  Coach yourself as if you are your own best friend.  Take her/your advice to heart.

• Look for the Lesson.  In every one of life's challenges there is a lesson to learn.  It is not until you realize what the lesson is that you can move forward. Until you figure it out you may repeat the same mistake.  Try this.  Sit quietly where you won't be disturbed and ask yourself what you would do differently if you could go back in time.  Acknowledge that you cannot change your history however you now know more than you did  when you made your original decision. Now, give thanks for the lesson.  Once you realize that you are wiser forgiveness follows.

It's up to you to choose to forgive yourself and move forward in life...  or not.  Forgiveness releases you to live the life of your dreams.  Without it you remain stuck in the past, in your misery...and that feels bad.  Choose forgiveness because in doing so you are choosing to be happy and that feels great!